I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
