Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
