Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
