My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
