Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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