I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
