ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
