im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
