I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Who did Billy Mays play for?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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