He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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