wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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