he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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