The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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