Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
