He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
