I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
