i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
