Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
