you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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