I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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