he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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