bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
