I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
