This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
