her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
