you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
