Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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