I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
