You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
