Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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