Can i not drive my cunt home
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
