The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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