so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
