i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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