i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
