what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
