And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
