I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
