I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
