Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We are two peas in an std pod
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
