Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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