I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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