I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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