i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
