God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
