I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
