FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
