I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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