I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
