I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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