There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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